Some emails matter more...

I feel sick.

I just hit send on an email that will potentially change my life. I volunteered for redundancy substitution. It means I might not have a job in about 8-10 weeks.  I’ve cried about 5 times this morning prior to hitting send on the email, which if you’ve read this might not surprise you. I’ve had 3 weeks to come to this decision. Three weeks of knowing that agreeing to go the way I’ve gone would mean signing off on security and my comfort zone.

I like the place I work at and I like the people I work with. I like how much I’m paid and I like the flexibility this job gives me but…. And there is the million dollar question, the but… ‘The but…’ is what made me hit send. ’The but….’ is that nagging feeling that I am not destined to work my entire career in this current role….this role that chose me. This role that I am good at and qualified at, but this role that doesn’t light the fire in my belly….that doesn’t represent what I am about.

The problem is, I don’t know what lights my fire. I don’t know where my passion lies. I just know it isn’t here so I’ve spun the dice and taken the gamble. Sure, the redundancy gives me a little cushion on which I can land, but between now and the next little while I need to find that passion. I need to work out where I’m going and what I want to do. I’m nervous. Actually, I’m more than nervous. I feel sick. But I keep thinking that the timing of this wasn’t meant to be a kick in the guts, it was meant to be an opportunity, so I’m grabbing it. It will still be about another week or so before I know if my choice has been accepted so nothing is really any clearer now than what it was this morning, but I’ve shown my hand. I’ve put my cards on the table and taken a step into the abyss.

As I drove to work this morning, confident in my decision, I listened to the morning news announcing that Ford was probably going to close their doors in Geelong…the first tears came, and the doubts about my decision. If Ford closes, then that’s more people in the job market in Geelong. I know it’s kind of selfish to think of myself when there’s a bunch of good people wondering about their future and their ‘involuntary’ redundancy, but that’s where my head was this morning. It had turned my decision on its head. I’m not in the same job market as Ford employees but it still seemed that the Geelong job market would be impacted. A friend and colleague, but mostly friend, came to see me and the tears came again. She reminded me that I hadn’t been happy here for awhile and as much as she doesn’t want me to leave for her own reasons of having a friend nearby, she reassured me that my decision was right for me.

My boss came to see me. He was shocked. He was sure I’d opt for the safer option of staying. I guess I present as risk averse –heck I am risk averse. I don’t think he could believe it, but he supported me. He’s facing a similar scenario. We both could be out the door. A colleague from another state phoned me to find out what was happening. Whispers are going around, as they often do in these circumstances. He too was supportive and understood why I was making the choices I was making. But still I cried. I think I was up to 4 lots of tears.  Being brave sure brings the tears to the surface for me. So much for work colleagues not knowing I was a crier! Ha!

Our work group decided to have a pub lunch. A few wines later and back in the office, I wrote the one line email that confirmed my decision. My finger hovered over the enter key. This is it. And so, I hit send. A few minutes later the Group boss called me. I ignored his call. I replied to his voice message with an email saying I was too emotional to talk. I’ve shed enough tears today.

In a week or so I’ll know. I don’t feel like the weight has lifted yet but I feel at peace with my decision. 

I feel thankful I have a husband who genuinely wants me to be happy and to make choices that will make me so. The financial concerns and staying in our comfort zone could have been his dominating drivers but he’s chosen happy over money. Yay me for marrying the right bloke, for more reasons that this, let me assure you! I have friends and family who are equally supportive.  My work team and immediate boss are great. We’re all in this together. I’ve got a good 20 years to give the workforce. I’m ready for a new challenge and a new career. Time to start researching just what that will be.  

Let any new tears be happy tears.